30 While 30: The dark side of the force.

Can I be honest with you all for a moment?

Ok, thanks.

Want to know something true?

Sometimes my life is out of balance.

I know.  I know.  Shocker.

Let me tell you a bit about this.

I walk a fine line between contentment and ambition.  I don’t mean contentment with “things”.  In fact, I feel pretty settled with stuff like money and possessions.  I’ve written a few times about our family’s new policy on simplifying our existence, and having read Radical (and espousing with easy belief – though sometimes challenging practice) I understand that even on my poorest day, I am more financially blessed than 80% of the world’s population.  I am content with things, rarely ambitious with stuff.

I’m not really talking about money, or stuff.

My problem, as I have discovered this week, is walking the line between contentment and ambition in influence.

Believe it or not, I get a little jealous of others.

In this last year, I have widened my net as far as learning from others about how they run their business, how they connect with people, better ways of getting things done, smart ways of losing weight and being fit, and engaging in conversations about personal development, making changes in life, and making a difference in others.

And yet, there are days that I am jealous.

I am jealous that someone has a better and more developed platform than I do.  I am jealous that someone has more twitter followers.  I will make harsh statements about how “I could have said that waaay better“, or vehemently disagreeing with someone yet thinking no one pays attention to me, because I’m just a comment in a thread.  I am jealous of those that are getting to live their dream, today.  I, at times, am discontent, because I feel I am living between two realities: where I am and where I want to be.

But Jealousy is of the dark side.

To broaden that for the non-Star Wars aficionados, jealousy – along with things like anger, fear, and hate, are the things that lead down the dark side of the force, the dark side of a life philosophy that is dominated by a selfish perspective on life.

It was present this week.

In a week where I had many things to say, I didn’t post at all.

In a week where I debated trying to add a post on Sundays on to talk about faith related things I am experiencing, I didn’t post at all.

In a week where I read about the success of others, all I could see were the barriers in my own life.  All I could see were the reasons why it wouldn’t work, why I didn’t have the time, why it wouldn’t make any difference at all even if I did “make it”.

All I could see where the wrong things.

I share all of this, mainly to share with you that I am human, and I am not past expressing my troubles in the same space that I express my successes. I share also to encourage any of you out there that might feel the same.  I encourage you with the reminders that I use for myself.

There is a story in the Bible about a man that went on a trip and gave to his servants a share of his wealth.  He came back after a time to take account.  While each of them were given a different measure of wealth to work with, each was held accountable for what they were entrusted, and were not measured against their peers … only against themselves.

In moments where I am jealous of others influence, I remind myself that I am in a different place, with different skills, and with a different (albeit similar) mission.  I can only do that which I can do, and I will not be measured or judged in light of other humans, but on what I did with my skills, abilities, and resources in my time.

In moments of discouragement about blogging schedules, A/P II, applying to graduate school, building a website … I must remember balance.  Balance between loving where I am for where I am, while not forgetting where I should be going, and pointing myself and my family in that direction.

To weigh too heavily in contentment, is to become stagnant.  It is to cease growing and cease creating.

To weigh too heavily in ambition is to forget what makes the journey important.  It is to sacrifice timing and experience for the sake of the next task.

So today, a new day, the start of a new week, I work to practice balance, remembering that where I am is an important to place to be, and where I am going is important, too … in it’s own time.

Happy Monday!


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